Babies don’t talk negatively about themselves. We are born without that critical, mean voice. I remember a point in my life, probably while I was still in diapers, when I was openly and proudly myself. Then there came the day when that inner-critic in my head slowly started talking. And once she found her voice, she was pretty adamant about being heard. She grew louder over the years, with the evil intention of only making one point:
I wasn’t good enough.
A couple of weeks I talked about taking care of yourself from the inside. Well, there is something to be said about taking responsibility for how you think about and talk to yourself as well.
For me, that mean inner voice really said a lot of crap about my body. Due to the effects of an illness I had when I was four (long story), I couldn’t physically keep up with other kids my age. I was instantly winded when I ran. I had no muscle strength. I had two left feet. And I was always chosen last when we were picking teams.
Then as a teenager, I started to gain weight. Holy shit, my body was failing me again! How totally unfair. I seemed to be eating just like my friends. Yet they were skinny and I wasn’t. That negative voice never hesitated to remind me that there could only be one reason for this; they were worthwhile while I wasn’t.
Then, as an adult I lost the weight. And you know the crazy thing. That stupid negative self-talking voice still found crap to say! She said things like, your posture is slouchy, your muscle tone sucks, and oh, just so you know, your thighs are still too big! What a bastard!
So here’s how I got my revenge. I inflicted that silly voice with a wretched, debilitating case of chronic laryngitis. Yup, I made that mean critic so feverish and sick she could barely utter a word.
Hahahahah!
And because I’m a very nice person, I decided to take the upper hand and take very good care of her. And so every time she tried to speak I would go, “Oh honey, rest your voice”. When she got adamant to be heard I said, “You should sit down. Now you don’t want to get worse.” And when she got especially uppity, I interrupted and said, “You must be running a fever. Let’s get you straight to bed!”
As the expression goes, being sick “sucks the life out of you”. This is just that fate that I had planned for Ms. Inner-Meany. By becoming her caretaker instead of arguing with her, I put myself in a position of authority over her. I didn’t stoop to her level by yelling back and I no longer succumbed to the negativity that she created.
So this is how giving my inner-critic laryngitis stopped her from controlling my thoughts and my feeling of self-worth. Oh, and then I gave that quiet inner voice cheering me on a megaphone. The funny thing is she was cheering the whole time but it was just too damn noisy to hear her.
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Oh I so enjoyed this read Erica! What a fine strategy to quiet that inner mean girl voice! I am totally impressed with giving that quiet voice a megaphone, too! But you =nailed it when you reminded that we are responsible for that voice…no more patience for, “I can’t help feeling that way” when there are strategies like you’ve presented to help:) Very cool!
Thanks Jacqui. The positive feedback means a lot. I appreciate it!
I love this. I have been using ‘OK, enough of that, let’s move forward’ when my inner voice pops up with negative things. But it is good to know that I’m not the only one that tries to tame the nasty voice. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Lenie. I love your matter of fact attitude towards your critical self. Moving forward is the important thing, isn’t it?
This is a good post for me to discuss at the upcoming Women’s Expo this weekend. Limiting beliefs has been the culprit to our success and barriers to our relationships. When I coach my clients about limiting beliefs – it seems the whole world just got wash from their life. There is always an amazing truth about out inner critique: “I am not good enough.” Yes, let’s tell that inner voice to go out for a walk and never come back!
I love that you are talking about this type of thing at a Women’s Expo. It does seem the women are particularly susceptible to self-criticism taking control. I love the concept of asking it to go for a walk and not come back! It is definitely something we wouldn’t mind leaving forever.
I silence my inner-critique by soothing her with a blanket and a pacifier. I give her imaginary candy as well as soothing strokes as I remind her that it’s okay to quiet down and to take a back seat to my higher self. I understand that she is the wounded part of me who needs my love and reassurance.
How very sweet Michele. I like that you silence her like a baby. It is interesting to see the array of ways that people quiet that critical part of themselves.
I think it is especially sad to see children who see themselves as inadequate or inferior in some way. As you described your inner critic laryngitis solution I was thinking about how that idea could be turned into a great children’s book.
Yes, it is so sad when children go through this at such a young age. A children’s book? I can see that! Hmmmmm….
Oh, yes I do! I must adapt your solution. Sometimes she is very loud and won’t shut up. Your blog reminds me that I hold the power, not her! Excellent -totally enjoyed reading this and relating to all the stages of growing up! Thanks for sharing it with us.
Thank you Laurie. Yes, we do have that power. I can appreciate how easy it is to forget sometimes.
Isn’t it sad that your mean inner critic began asserting herself at the age of four! Little girls discover so early that they aren’t perfect and somehow it takes a long time to realize that it’s okay. I’m glad you learned how to silence her.
I think you are probably on to something Beth when you talk about how prevalent this is with little girls. Would love to find some kind of solution as a society because it really is too bad.
There isn’t a person in the world that has never had negative thoughts about themselves. The important thing is to stop that destructive way of thinking that is all in your mind and has nothing to do with reality. And it does not work to say to yourself that you are not say, attractive. You instead have to say to yourself that you are attractive, good looking or whatever expression you prefer. Why? Because your mind does not recognize the word not.
I love your point about saying the good things about your self as opposed to telling ourselves we are not the bad things. It is true that we hear the words, even if there is a not before it. Thank you for making that point!
Erica- Loved the way you put the inner voice into your story. I no longer listen to that negative inner voice because I look at things so very differently. I am so glad to be alive and wake up each day and look at it as an opportunity. Don’t have time for negative garbage.
Arleen, I’m glad you were able to make that positive shift in your thinking. It sounds like you really have a wonderful attitude at this point.
Another great post Erica and with a very important message. I liked Ken’s idea about a book for kids, you should do that. You and Ken could collaborate 🙂 My inner voice has had moments of fluster but it seems to have settled down over the years. I have found that a good trip abroad sorts my inner voice out and re-establishes the controlling party in our relationship.
Well said Erica. I was one of those poor souls targeted by bullies in high school and as if that wasn’t bad enough I compensated for my miserable life by eating everything that wasn’t nailed down. So to say my inner critic was having a field day during those years would be a gross understatement. Fortunately I got some professional help after I graduated, lost the excess weight and learned to develop emotional resilience and nurture myself for the first time in my life. But I can relate on a very personal level to anyone struggling with that pesky inner voice. Thanks for the inspiring read!
This is so great! I have always struggled with this since I was a child. Being first generation, I always felt not quite the same as others who were born in this country. So, to combat the negative voices of inadequacy, I would work extra hard to make sure I covered everything in all my assignments before feeling like they were completed. When I graduated from college, I stopped looking at myself as being inadequate because many of the people I know didn’t even graduate from college. And, overtime, that voice has gotten smaller and smaller. When a negative voice creeps in, I say to myself, “It’s OK, I will figure it out.” Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Really interesting Sabrina and I’m glad the negative voice has gotten smaller. I had lots of friends growing up who came from different countries and always found them so fascinating. I had only lived in the U.S. and they had lived some place I had never been and often they were fluent in more than one language. Perspective is funny.
Yeppers, my inner critic hates me when I correct others’ grammar, or takes an extra helping of food at dinnertime.
I’m overweight, too, so I feel your pain. And mine. And every other chubby woman’s pain, too.
Ugh! I’ve tried to silence her. I’ve shoved food in her mouth… but it didn’t help. 😉
I guess I need another strategy! LOL
That’s tough when that voice is making you constantly feel bad. Yes, you definitely need another strategy as there is no reason for your negative voice to be saying such horrible things.
I love this quote, “Oh honey, rest your voice.” That’s even a nicer way of talking to your mean inner voice. I’m totally going to use that!
Thanks Meredith. And yes, use it!
Erica, this post has me wondering:
(1) To what extent do you consider yourself a perfectionist?
(2) Regarding your parents as you were growing up, were they easy-going or high-maintenance?
(Yes, there is an aspect of projection to my asking these questions.)
1 – hmmm, probably a perfectionist
2 – pretty easy going
I have to admit, I am on the opposite fence when it comes to this topic. My negative voice, my criticism and self-doubt is what drives me. It is these voices that pushes me each day to work out hard, to learn something new, to perfect my writing.
If it was not for these internal voices, I would become complacent and satisfied with my current life, which means I no longer would drive or want to improve myself.
Very interesting William. I wonder how much of this is the difference between men and women. I would say that would make an interesting study, but I’m imagining it has already been done. Having said that, when we feel like we are lacking, we will often try to compensate in other ways which can result in drive. And of course, drive is a good thing.
My inner-critic is the voice of the perfectionist. I will shy away from learning new things because that initial discomfort is always such a big hill for me to climb. Luckily, I’m also stubborn as hell, so that helps to balance out the perfectionist’s voice. I try to make a point to learn new things and want to step that up in the years ahead. Also, teaching for almost a decade helped a lot too. We all stumble along in life so there’s no need to listen too much to those inner voices.
Jeri, I have the same dichotomy. I can easily get overwhelmed by a challenge that seems overwhelming, but I am so stubborn that I will do it anyway. Glad to see there are others like me out there! And I love what you said about “we all stumble along in life”. It is true that nobody has all the answers.
Great post Erica, you spoke to me in this post.
Very important message. Thank you x
Thank you so much! I appreciate it!
My inner critic takes the form of that useless disease that can lead to procrastination, poor attitude and wanting to quit: comparitis. My inner mean girl wreaks havoc on me with that stuff. “You coulda done that why didn’t you?” “They beat you to it so why bother?”
I love your remedy Erica. Bottle that up!
I Love how you say “inner mean girl”. Nicely put. Growing up, we think of others as the “mean girl”. The meanest girl is usually our own voice
My inner critic doesn’t always bother me. Sometimes I use it to motivate me just like William said earlier.
Good for you Jason. You do seem to be motivated.
have been have that inner for my whole life… most recently it is bothering me each day…
I enjoyed all these posts and will certainly try them on my inner voice…
thanks
Sorry to hear that Gaylee. Yes, give them a try. There is no reason for anybody to be saying such mean things about you.
Bravo, Erica, for taking such a great attitude toward that inner mean wench too many of us women have! I’ve learned to laugh at mine. She’ll speak up when I’m looking in the mirror and try to remind me about the new lines on my face. I try to see them and then start laughing–oh yes, those are LAUGH LINES and I’m okay with it!
Hi, It is true that sometimes our inner critic takes control of us, don’t let it happen, taking care of it the way you do seems to be a good idea. I’ll try it. Thanks for sharing. A very Informative post.
This post just reminds us that we must always be positive about ourselves and our self-worth. We are precious and matter in this world!