So I put the term “holiday” into Google and this is the first definition I got. Holiday: a day of festivity or recreation where no work is done. First of all, no work? My first holiday memories involve images of adults slaving away in the kitchen. Kitchen work was “woman’s work” in my household. The only logical explanation is that the dictionary was written by a man.
Now onto a different word: festivity. I think it depends on who you talk to whether the word holiday times are festive. Many of us are lucky enough to have really wonderful childhood holiday memories. My favorite holiday memories are from when I was eight and younger. This was the only time in my childhood when I lived near family. I remember getting to play with all my cousins (something especially exciting for an only child), getting to eat yummy foods and all the excitement of shiny gift wrap paper hiding something that would soon become mine.
The difficult part of all those wonderful childhood memories is that they can turn into feelings of loss once those who helped make the holidays special are gone. My mother passed away at the beginning of December three years ago. I remember logging onto Facebook on Christmas that year. I saw multiple status updates from those expressing joy at getting to enjoy spending the day with parents and other loved ones. Other’s family experience served to rub salt in what still a very fresh wound.
Those of us lucky enough to live a long life will eventually experience feelings of loss at some point during the holidays. I think it is easy to forget, even for those who have been through it before, there are those going through loss this time of year. We need to be mindful that a simple statement like, “enjoy the holidays with the ones you love” can feel like a dagger to those who are missing someone.
While it is impossible to bring back a loved one, it is possible to be nurturing to yourself to get through the tough time. The year that my mother passed away, my husband bought me a gift certificate for a massage at a local spa. It was a wonderful gift as I feel too self-indulgent getting things like that for myself. I really benefited from being taken care of for a couple of hours. I left there feeling like I could breath and think clearly again.
There are many other ways to participate in self-care. That may mean taking time to write feelings into a journal, taking a walk (weather permitting) or enjoying a yoga or meditation class. I’ve never felt like doing those activities does away with the stress, but they do give me moments of clarity and make the stress more manageable. The important thing is not to just ignore the loss. It is there and no amount of eating candy or stale fruit cake is going to make it go away. Self care seems the best bet to get through and find some joy. And no, it doesn’t make you a bad person to experience joy while going through loss.
I wish everyone a happy holiday. And if you are missing someone this year, may you find some comfort. Be good to yourself, take time for yourself and get yourself ready for a fresh year called 2015.
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I am so in agreement about acknowledging the loss. For me, it is really te only way to reconcile it ad heal. Happy Holidays to you too!!
Thank you Jacquie. Happy holidays to you as well!
I am sorry for your loss Erica and can fully relate to how these things do not pass quickly especially when they are associated with a day that brings everyone else so much apparent joy. Hopefully your loss will ease a bit over time. The goal is that the good memories will over power that sense of loss and at that point you will be doing better. At least that seems to be how it is working for me. All the best to you over this period. Tim
Thank you Tim. Enough time has passed at this point to not associate the holidays with loss. I agree with you that, for me, the pain has been easing over time. I imagine we each take our own path to closure.
I agree you need to acknowledge the loss and find ways to take care of yourself. I could relate to what you felt the Christmas after your mother died. My parents died within months of each other in the same year and that Christmas was tough. That Christmas, my brother’s family and my family decided to do something different for Christmas and went away for a few days. It was a good choice for us – doing the “usual” Christmas would have been unbearably sad. Even years later, some holiday traditions are likely to bring back a deep sense of loss mixed together with many warm memories.
It must have been very difficult to lose your parents so close together. It was a smart idea to break up the tradition to help ease the pain. I’m glad you are able to enjoy the warm memories with the loss and hope the good memories give you comfort.
There are a lot of things I do during the holidays that are kind of about tradition. I do some of the same things with the same people in the same place every year. So when someone is missing it a time when you really notice. Maybe not a bad thing, but often pretty melancholy.
Hi Ken. Yes, I imagine it is very apparent that someone is missing when there are long term yearly traditions. I hope the holidays are treating you well this year and that if someone is missing, that there is joy as well as sadness.
Having the holiday at the end of the year also makes you reflect on that year, and past years. Life moves on, and on and on. We miss those, who had passed, as they had missed those before them. This is a lesson we must learn, for it is out fate too. Life passes, and always will, so we must cherish and love those around us, and remember every single second we have with them is a gift.
I think you are right William. Loss does make us appreciate what we have and yes, the moments we have with loved ones are a gift.
This is such a powerful post, Erica. I lost a dear friend of mine afew years back & I can see how much her family (especially her sister) is struggling. I am going to share this post with her <3
Light & strength to you.
Thank you Mary. I imagine that your fried passed on very young which I imagine is especially difficult. I hope that her family is able to find some peace this holiday season.
Inspiring message. I think the key to avoid feeling lost and alone during the holidays is self awareness. I mean it’s not like the holidays come as a surprise, we have 11 months to prepare for them. Wishing you all the best for the holidays.
Good point Marquita. I imagine most of us could use a little more self awareness. Have a wonderful holiday season as well.
I too, am an only child and have lost a dear family member or two. Your post really resonates with me and I do agree that it is entirely possible to feel both happy and sad at the same time. I also agree that it is important to be gentle with yourself and not to hide from your pain, but to allow yourself to experience it because it is real and is a part of you. Taking care of yourself with a massage or relaxation exercises, including the clarity gained via meditation practices are all very beneficial. It’s also okay to be alone, even during the holidays, if that’s what you feel you need to do. Sometimes being with others, even as they are joyfully celebrating, can also help take our mind off the past, which can also be helpful in terms of gaining some perspective, staying present, and feeling supported.
Hi Michele. Yes, I think it is a different experience dealing with direct family loss as an only child. Not necessarily better or worse, but different. I like what you said about helping someone with staying present and feeling supported. I hope you had a nice holiday season and found warmth and support in your life..
Hello Erica.
I feel sorry about your great loss, my prayers are on your way for strength.
I lost a friend few days back and this post really brought tears in my eyes. He was my childhood friend and we played a lot. He died at the age of 34 and I am thinking about his family; as I am so sad about him, what his parents will be going through now. But I feel that your advice is nice to meditate have some walk and with little care we can make stress little less but I feel that we can not fulfill that vacuum that has been created. It will stay always with us. All we can do to pray that may God rest the soul in peace. When we will feel that they are in a wonderful place I believe we will feel that its good for them and it can make this stress less.
So sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. That must be really difficult for you right now and he did die very young. I hope you have found some comfort and I send good wishes to his family. Yes, and any way to make the stress less seems like it would be a wonderful thing at this point.